September 11, 2009

The Summer Of My (Dis)content

At the end of DJ Champion's concert last night, I said, "I love this job!"

Technically, I'm still unemployed, as I have been since May 1st. I still don't earn a paycheque for the work I do (yet); eventually, I'll have to find an income-generating vehicle one way or another. So far, I have refused to be stressed over this inevitability.

That doesn't mean that I haven't had dark moments where I've acted out temporary frustrations over my circumstances. I've had moments where I thought that I had failed everyone who put their faith in me over the years. I went from having ambitions of being a doctor or accountant to the low point of doing meaningless and unfulfilling work which any idiot could do. (No wonder I was outsourced!)

I thought things were supposed to be different for me; my future was supposed to be so much brighter than this. I thought I'd be on my way to saving up for a home of my own; I'm nowhere near that goal right now. I thought that, at the very least, I'd be in a long-term relationship - but since this costs money, I can't pursue that avenue at the moment. Actually, I don't want to.

I thought that I'd be happy. The truth is that I'm the way that I thought I should be.

It's funny how "tragedies" can work out for good when we let them.

I'm a risk-averse person by nature. I won't ask any woman out unless I know for sure that she's interested in me; to this day, I've actually never done it. I won't spend money that I don't have unless it's related to an important expenditure, like rent. Until this summer, I wouldn't have considered pursuing a career path other than working for someone else...or, at the very least, working in the field that I trained for. Yet, here I am at the end of the summer, taking what could be the biggest risk of my life.

I've started my fourth blog with no idea of how successful it will be, or if I will have any interest in maintaining it past six months. I've heavily invested in this possible career of photography, going so far as to use my savings to buy a DSLR, speedlight and various other accessories. (By the way, don't be surprised if I buy a tripod before Nuit Blanche.)

Yet, in spite of the high possibility of this dream crashing down, I have experienced euphoria that always eluded me at my previous jobs. Even with the disappointment of Labour Day, this past week has been one high after another - and that includes yesterday evening's concert.

I had to lose my job to realize what on-the-job happiness is. Kind of like having to die in order to live.

I leave you with a song that literally just popped into my head as I typed that last sentence...

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